Calyx

I sat at my kitchen table with a text book open, reading and rereading each page. This was the end of the year routine. Study everything you’ve done. Finish placing each subject in it’s storage box. Make everything fit together, and cut off any loose ties.
Make sense of everything that happens.
Make sense of the work. Of the words. Of the lessons. Make sense of the year. And study. That’s what you do when you need to study. You learn everything a second time, and a third. You learn it over and over again, until that is everything you know. And you don’t stop learning it. You keep teaching yourself those same words. Those same sentences, and once that is all you know, you sleep. And then you do your exam.
And you don’t mess up. Because that exam is you. You are that exam. You know every question in and out. No loop holes. No loose ties. The words on that exam match a memory box from your head. And everything fits together neatly.
Just the way it should.

Except, I couldn’t concentrate on my text book. I’d read the word, and I’d lose it. It didn’t make sense, the garble of letters with stray endings on that page.
I wasn’t even looking at them after a while. I was staring at the living room, where I could see my father standing near the window, on his cell phone.
He was distracting me. Of course, it wasn’t fair to blame him. It wasn’t his fault at all. He was just doing his work, and I should be doing mine. But as many times as I told myself that, it didn’t matter. I just kept staring at my father. The one who raised me. In theory.

His words echoed off the living room walls. His mouth opening and closing, and his hands flying around in strange directions.
“ No, Jeffery. J-Jeffery, stop. Listen-” He paused, still staring out that window.
“Jeffery, listen to me.” Another long pause.
“Yes, fine, that’s a good point. But if you’d just see it my way-” He looked like he was ticked off at something. My father, that is. He wasn’t looking at the window now. He was staring at the carpet, breathing in and out sharply.
“Alright. I get it. Just give me time. I’m working on it.”

I flicked my head around, back to my text book. I wanted to scream at my father, saying “You’re always ‘working’ on it,” but didn’t. I just stared at my text book, reading and rereading each page. Reading each sentence. Each word.
That was all I could do in a time like this. Submerge myself in my work. Just like my father would. Just like we all would.
If we lived a normal life, maybe I’d be at the beach, or even have friends over to hang out with. But that’s not how I live. No one is allowed over to my house. No one is allowed inside my life. Because that is how you clutter yourself.

My father came into the kitchen and sat on the the stool across from mine. He rested his arms on the island in front os us, and nodded his head toward my textbook.
“Studying?” he asked.
I nodded.
“So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately,” he informed me.
“Wonderful,” I declared.
“And, I think we need to spend more time together. You know, just the two of us.” At this point, I looked up from my text book. Did he mean that?
“Really?” I could tell I looked over excited, but this was the first interest he’d taken in me since my last birthday. And even then, all he’d done was hand me a card and tell me where my gift was.
“Yes. So how about we hang out together. Tomorrow. You’re free Saturday right?” My father was smiling coolly.
“Mmhmm. What would you like to do then?” I was so excited, I didn’t even care what we’d be doing.
“I was thinking we could go to this fair together.”
I lied. Maybe I did care. A fair? Did he mean like....
“I heard about it in the news paper today. It’s like a gypsy thing or something. It sounds really cool doesn’t it?”
I choked back my honest thoughts about the fair and lied to my dad.
“It sounds amazing.”
Even if it wasn’t my thing, this was my dad we were talking about. If I didn’t take this opportunity, I might never get to see him.
And seeing him means the world to me.
“Perfect then. I’ll leave the directions on the table and I’ll meet you there tomorrow afternoon, okay?”
“Great. I’ll see you then daddy.”